Good-Bye Sweet Lady

The first time I met Virgie Virginia Smith Hamer was coincidentally or maybe prophetically in her kitchen. Little did I know that over the next 28 years I would eat hundreds of meals prepared in that very kitchen. Her daughter Shelli and I were friends at college and lived in the same apartment complex. Shelli was desperately interested in dating me. But I thought it was wiser to just remain friends. If you believe that I have a bridge to sell you. I was smitten with Shelli but we had yet to start dating. Wanting to introduce their friends to their parents and also wanting to try out a bar in their home town, Shelli and her roommate invited several of us to Sanford, NC.   She wanted to take me and some of our friends to dinner and introduce us to the folks.  So, on a cool Friday evening about 8 of us loaded up and headed down the road. 

The first place we stopped was 276 Chris Cole Road. Since we were with Shelli, we climbed the back steps to a small landing and entered the back door. It entered right into the kitchen and Virgie was there to meet us. In retrospect we might have been a bit of an opposing sight. I stand 6’ 3” and at the time weighed 220 lbs. And 4 of the other guys with us were all over 6 feet and none of us had ever pushed ourselves away from a dinner table. This is only important because I can’t imagine what poor Miss Virgie was thinking. Years later she told me that after she met all of us, she never worried about Shelli being safe at school again. If we couldn’t keep her safe, she didn’t know who could. 

Everyone headed to the living room and there was this strange glow emitting from the front wall. The Hamers had an intriguing 4ft by 3ft mural over their television. It was a rather nice mountain lake vista but it wasn’t hanging it a frame. The frame was actually part of the wall and in the hollow behind the picture was a fluorescent light bulb so you could make this huge lake vista glow. It was different. 

We all sat in the living room with Shelli going around the room introducing the lot of us. I had positioned myself at the end of the sofa directly under the heavenly glow of the amazing wall art mentioned above on the same side of the room as Virgie. So, I couldn’t see her but I could hear her and Shelli talking. 

“Mama”, Shelli would say, “That is Monte and that is Ryan and that is Don.”  

Virgie would nod politely or say hello after each name.  

Then Shelli finally got to me.  

“Mama” she said, “That is Brandon down on the end. 

I turned my head a little and I could see Virgie sit up in her seat. Then she leaned over and stretched her neck around to see me. Then I heard her say, “Oh yea. I’ve heard about him.” 

I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad but at least I knew Shelli had been talking about me. 

A few minutes passed and Shelli’s Dad, Robert came in the door. He was a truck driver and had just returned from a run. Robert opened the door, saw all these strangers sitting in his living room. He never batted an eye. He just said hello and nodded. Then proceeded to take off his shoes, move to the middle of the living room and right there in front of everyone got down in the floor and laid flat of his back. Apparently, Robert had back issues and he could only find relief laying on a hard, flat surface. It is fair to point out that Robert was a mountain of a man. A little over six feet tall he was well over 300 lbs. And, while he was definitely rotund, he was equally solid as rock. So, I have to admit it was a strange sight to see him nonchalantly sprawl out it the floor in a room full of strangers. 

For their part, Shelli and Virgie were completely unphased and just continued the conversation. Occasionally, Robert would roll over on his side and prop his head up to ask a question.  He would get his answer and go right back to the flat position. While I have to admit I found it amusing sitting in the Hamer house that night, I also learned something very important about Virgie and Robert. Both of them were wholly without pretense. They didn’t play games or put people through tests. There was no deception or false face with anything they did. They were, at their core, honest and comfortable with who they were. If they had a question they asked. If they had something to say they said it. Always polite but never with an agenda. It was how they lived their lives and I correctly assumed it was how they raised their family. 

So, I’ve learned more things about about Virgie over the last three decades. Here are a few. 

Virgie was by any definition a World Class Conversationalist. The woman could talk. She was so good at talking it wasn’t even necessary for the other member of the conversation to be aware of their participation. Forget their awareness, their presence in the same room wasn’t even necessary. For Virgie to be standing in the kitchen having a conversation with you while you were sitting in the living room completely oblivious of the situation was not an anomaly but a common occurrence. 

My first experience with this was soon after Shelli and I started dating. We made the trip to Raleigh to go to church one Sunday morning. Afterwards, as was customary, Virgie laid out a feast. A few hours later it was time to head home. We said our goodbyes and headed out the same back door I had first walked through a few months earlier. Virgie was talking with us as we left and she followed us out the door. She stayed on the stoop as we headed down the steps and she kept talking. About what I have no idea. I dutifully walked around and let Shelli into the car and Virgie was still talking. I was trying to nod and acknowledge while I walked around to get in and Virgie was still going at it. I got into the car and rolled down the window before I closed the door because Virgie was still talking about something and I didn’t want to be rude. I got the door shut and there she was still telling us whatever vitally important story she was involved in. As I sat there patiently waiting for her to finish Shelli poked my arm and said, “Roll up the window and just back out.” 

“What? I can’t do that, she is still talking.” I replied 

“Well, she’ll be here this time tomorrow if you don’t drive off. Trust me.” 

So, begrudgingly, I started the engine. I didn’t have the heart to roll up my window. Then I put the car in reverse and backed down the drive. Virgie never missed a beat.  As we pulled out into the road and headed towards home I looked into my rearview mirror and there she was, standing on the back stoop leaning on the railing just talking away. Arms were crossed and looking at no one in particular but whatever she was saying seemed to amuse her.  I often wonder how far down the road we got before she realized we were actually gone. Not that it would have stopped her. 

In addition to her ability to talk, another quality that stands out to me about Virgie is that she was so funny. Not tell a joke funny but it was that special kind of funny where she never intended to be funny or realized exactly why she was funny. 

Going out to dinner with Virgie could be an experience.  Upon returning to the table from the bathroom or from visiting a buffet in was not an uncommon event for Virgie to take her seat at someone else’s table. This invariably elicited some shocked amusement from her new table mates and just plain, old regular amusement from her family.  Virgie would be shocked and spend the next 10 minutes explaining to the “victims” how she made such a mistake.  

There was at least one confirmed instance of Virgie getting into the wrong car in a parking lot. Luckily, before she called a tow truck because she couldn’t start the car with her keys, she realized the mistake. Looking in the rearview mirror she saw a car seat and being almost 70 years old she surmised it wasn’t hers.  

As sweet and kind and Virgie was, she also had a competitive streak. She was meticulous about her appearance and everything had to be just so. One time on a trip to the mountains she was in a restaurant and when she came to the table, on the first try no less, she mentioned that she had seen another lady a few tables over wearing her exact outfit. She chuckled and brushed it off saying that it was OK because the outfit looked much better on her anyway. Virgie was more than a little surprised to find out she had been seeing herself in a wall-sized mirror to help the dining room look larger than it was. 

The most Virgie of Virgie stories that I remember was from a conversation she had with one of her grandkids. Holly was about 12 and was talking about what movie to rent that evening. Holly asked her Grandmother, “What is your favorite movie?” 

Virgie gave it some thought, made up her mind and said, “Well, if I had to pick my favorite movie I’d have to say “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”. 

Being an inquisitive child, Holly had a follow up question. 

“Oh really. Why do you love Snow White so much?” she asked. 

“Well” Virgie replied. “I’m not sure. I’ve never actually seen it.”........That was Virgie. 

It is important to note that all of Virgie’s humor didn’t come from her aloofness. She could deliver a zinger when she needed to. 

One year at Christmas her son Mark was in another room. Apparently, he was less than thrilled with the toy haul he had under the tree and mentioned he had not gotten a lot of stuff that year. Virgie, with her ever vigilant radar, heard the young man’s angst and quickly snapped back for all to hear, “You better enjoy. Cause it’s going to be a lot less next year!” 

A few weeks after Robert had passed away, Virgie was going to come spend the week with me and Shelli. We came to pick her up and took her to church. As we were leaving, we stopped to shake hands with the Preacher Morrison who had married us a couple of years before. Exchanging pleasantries, Virgie told the preacher that she was going to spend the week with us. I winked at the Reverend and told him I had just bought a new mop and broom to mark the occasion. Virgie didn’t miss a beat. She clutched her purse, clicked her tongue and said, “Well, that broom and mop will still be new when I leave.” 

She didn’t say another word. Turned on her heels and headed out the door.  The preacher and I just laughed. 

  

She could be aloof. She could deliver a one liner in a pinch. She could also be so silly. Especially with the grands. They LOVED getting Virgie, and sometimes Robert, to play along outside of their typical selves. The girls would teach Virgie the lyrics to some new rap or hip-hop song. Then when Virgie would attempt to perform it back to them the hilarity ensued. She would always want to know the new sayings the kids were using. She would get Mark or Shelli to tell her a popular phrase. Then she would spring in on the grands to just watch them laugh hysterically. “Yo Dana, what up?” or “Hey Stacy, are you Lit?” 

My favorite example was one night at the Relay for Life. The girls convinced Virgie and Robert to play along and dance by “Raising the Roof”. Both of them did and it was quite hysterical. But it wasn’t nearly as funny as listening to the girls laugh. That’s all they wanted to do. Virgie and Robert had no clue as to why Raising the Roof was funny. But they knew how happy it made the kids and grandkids and that was enough to bring the silly. 

If it isn’t obvious, I loved Virgie. We hit it off early. The term, Twinkle In Her Eye, could have been coined about her. There was never any tension or animosity that is so sterotypical with in-laws. Shelli always joked that I was Virgie’s favorite.  She could never leave me because Virgie would never forgive her. Shelli’s brother Mark believed there was something to me being the favorite as well. He used to call and make sure Shelli and I were coming home particular weekends. Mark swore Virgie only cooked big meals if I was in attendance. He wasn’t totally wrong. But, while it makes a great story and good family jokes nothing could be further from the truth. Virgie loved her family completely. There was Robert and Lynn and Shelli and Mark and each and every grand. Tim and Jim before him and Danielle and myself were welcome and loved additions by marriage and gracefully added to the fold. But the idea of anyone taking a front seat over those kids is crazy. 

Virgie was a fiercely loyal to all of her family. She was a caregiver of the highest order. Time and time again through her life she showed grace and compassion to those who needed her.  Whether it was her parents or grandparents or siblings, In-laws, nieces and nephews if there was a need and Virgie had any way to be of assistance she was. If it was a meal, or place to stay or visiting or money she was there in times of need time and time again giving what she could and sometimes more. 

I have written before about Virgies’s brother who was wounded in WWII and was never the same.  For 50+ years he needed help and his family responded year after year. Virgie was a huge piece of the help and aid. The kindness, care and concern she showed Charlie and others over the years was who she was. It was who she was raised to be and it was the example she shared with her children and her grandchildren.  

That type of loyalty does not go unnoticed. Examples are powerful things. As Virgie spent the last several weeks gradually nearing her end on this world she was continually surrounded by love. Children, grandkids, friends, neighbors, church members and all were with her in this final walk. 

To walk into the room soon before she passed and see the circle of daughters, granddaughters, great-granddaughters and sister-in-law sitting vigil with this sweet, sweet soul was a sight to behold. Strong, brave, caring women showing this precious soul the same comfort and grace they had seen her share with so many others. They showed the same love to Virgie that was taught to them in great part by her own example. 

Trying to sum up anyone’s life, especially someone as vibrant and full of energy as Virgie Smith Hamer is practically impossible. I assure you whatever words I am able to muster for the task are entirely inadequate. That in and of itself is a testament to the life she led and the love she gave. Much of that was the love she shared and received with the people sitting in this church and the ones who are here in spirit. 

Tim – The junior son-in-law – and Virgie were having a conversation a few years back. I don’t remember the subject but there was a difference of opinion. Virgie just couldn’t imagine why Tim thought the way he did about whatever it was. Tim said something I am reminded of that speaks to the day. He said Virgie, “There are a whole lot more people out there like me than there are like you.” 

If I recall her reaction was vintage Virgie. Her eyes got big and she moved her head back and said, “WOO HOO” and she chuckled.  

Not for nothing but Tim was onto something and I’ll take as many like Virgie as the good Lord is willing to pass my way. 

I cannot help but think about that first meeting with Virgie and Robert. I learned they were honest people who were without pretense. I learned they were kind and warm. Nothing I have seen over these last, nearly 30 years has given me a reason to doubt my original assessment. I have also learned that they were hardworking, patient, caring, devout, charitable, capable, funny, smart and 1000 other things that make me proud to have been so graciously accepted as part of their lives. 

 

On behalf of Lynn, Shelli, Mark and ALL of the family thank you for being here to celebrate Virgie, her gorgeous soul, her powerful example and her beautiful life.