Karma Calculator

Today's Karma Calculator
Early to work +1
Stayed late to let coworker leave early +1
Canceled movie plans to mow yard +1
Fertilized yard before it rained +1
Threw the ball with the dogs +1
Fell flat of my face walking into Logans' for whole world to see - 6
Everyone acted like they didn't notice +1
Karma ain't a bitch but she usually shoots Par!

Cirque du SoDamn That Was Expensive

It is a classic American scene where a family leaves the circus. The dad is carrying an exhausted child to the car. The child hugs his father gently letting his father know how much he loved the show and how much he loved his Dad for making the magical night possible.

I’m a sucker for a good show of almost any kind.  TV, Movie, Play, Musical, Concert or Lecture it doesn’t really matter as long as it’s entertaining.  Like most 40-somethings with teen and pre-teen kids we don’t get to go to as many events as we would like.  It is getting a little better as the kids get older.  But going out to a show is still an undertaking.  It’s partly due to money.  I mean dang.  Shows are expensive.  We went to see Cirque du Soleil the other night and the show including a modest dinner came in just under $400 for the family.  That seems like a lot of scratch.  My car payment isn’t even $400 bucks.  I wonder if I go to see Cirque 60 times they would give me a car, probably not.  Good thing we didn’t pay $30 for a crappy t-shirt or we may have had to walk home.

More than money the bigger obstacle to going out is a simple lack of time.  Case in point, Saturday before we went to the show we had already attended, alone or in tandem, 1-Rowing Practice, 1-Soccer Game and a 3 hour long baseball game (I’ll rant about that some other time).  In between I hauled my mower to a repair shop and picked up my wife’s van after returning a truck I had borrowed from across town and my wife treated herself to a mani-pedi and hit the grocery store.  For us to even make it to the Cirque show took some friggin effort.  Lesser beings would have just said screw it and crawled into bed.  But my wife and I are not lesser humans.  We are Over-Scheduled Poet Warriors fighting in an epic struggle to squeeze every single ounce of peace and tranquility out of this temporary saga we call parental life and just in case you were wondering We Are Crushing It!   

Shelli and I have always wanted to see Cirque du Soleil.  We aren’t regularly in Vegas and by regularly I mean ever so when we saw their Michael Jackson Tribute show was coming to the local coliseum we decided to go and take the kiddos. Because, seriously, nothing screams family night like watching a singing and dancing tribute to the music of an infamous pedophile.  The irony of this had evaded me until the opening number of the show. 

Note to show producers – I am as socially tone deaf as the next man.  Hell, I’ve been known to ask women when they are due whether or not I know they are pregnant.  But even I know that opening the show with a voiceover of Michael Jackson talking about his love of children was just plain inappropriate and cosmically creepy to say the least.  WTH?  I mean good Lord.  What is Cirque working on next?

* Hebrew Tribute to Hitler

* Chappaquiddick – A Water Ballet in ¾ Time

* Keanu Reeves – An Actor’s Actor

See, these are all ridiculous.  Not quite as ridiculous as spending $400 on what is essentially a Circus and not even get a bag of $14 cotton candy. 

A few other observations from the show:

• A helluva lot more people were drunk at Cirque du Soleil than I would have expected.
• It was just too loud and no I’m not old.  My kids even thought so.
• If you get a chance to go sit center stage.  Side view made it tough to see. IMO
• Apparently Michael Jackson recorded a couple of albums after BAD.  Who knew?
• Technically the show was unbelievable.  They melded recorded vocals with live instruments and back-up vocals flawlessly. 
• The simplicity of a 10 year old MJ singing “I’ll Be There” was easily the most impressive musical moment in the show.  It is easy to forget before he got all freaked out that he was as awesome a child singer as there ever was.
• Regardless of what you may or may not think of MJ his musical body of work is at the very least impressive.
• The dedication and talent of the cast to their respective crafts is impressive.  The level of performances was undeniable. Dancers, Acrobats, Robots, One-Legged Break Dancers and Monkey Impersonators alike were awesome.

As we headed to the car I thought of that quintessential family I mentioned in the opening paragraph. Then there was my family leaving the Cirque du Soleil Michael Jackson Tribute. My 11 year old danced frenetically all the way to the car stopping occasionally to spin around, grab his crotch and scream.  Then he passed out in the van and drooled all the way home. Hey for memories like that $400 is a bargain.  College isn't that expensive anyway.

O Memory, Thy Name is Wife

At 42 it is all the rage to exaggerate one’s growing number of aging symptoms to prove actual aging. Being one prone to self-deprecation only increases my opportunities to point out my daily plights with getting older. 

• Phantom hairs growing where they never grew before.
• Missing hairs on my shins and calves from years of wearing dress socks that have left what looks like a Flesh Sock.
• Sounding like a message in Morse code from all the clicking and popping my knees make as I walk up the stairs.  (I translated it one time and I think I spelled out “The squash is bumpy”)
• Praying every time I have a sore joint that it isn’t gout.  Cause that’s some “Old man shit” right there.
• Standing in a crowded venue for a long time with my back killing me not because sitting on the ground would be inappropriate but watching my big ass get up would just be cruel to those in attendance.

You get the point. But, all that pales in comparison to losing my memory.

Let me clarify a bit.  I think if you ask most people who know me they would tell you I have a better than average memory.  If you ask my wife she would probably tell you that I am borderline disabled and might even be eligible for government assistance.  Why such a disconnect?

My friends will tell you that I retain an absurd amount of information about movies, history, news, politics etc. and that’s probably true.  My wife will tell you (in all honesty) if you put a gun to my head right now it is no better than a 50/50 chance I could tell you my own parent’s birthdays.  I know my children’s birthdays but I have to think about the years whenever I’m filling out forms.  I know one of my niece’s birthdays only because it is the day before my daughters.  The rest of the family is screwed.  If I ever meet you in public and call you any of the following “Chief, Big Man, Wild Dog, Young Man, Stranger or Hank” there is a better than average chance I’ve forgotten your name, not always but a good chance. 

 It’s not from lack of trying.  I have dealt with people and customers my entire life.  I have attempted to improve my memory.  Name Association, taking copious notes, memory games none of it ever stuck.  I used to be able to hold lots of info for short periods of time.  Cramming for a test always worked.  When I was a waiter in college I never had to write anything down on tables up to 8 people.  Now, I go to the store for three items.  I come home with four items and none of the three I went to get.  It’s a miracle I make it home. 

Luckily, I married Shelli.  Every detail of our lives is stored in her gorgeous cranium. The precision and detail of the information she retains boggles my mind.  Every birthday, anniversary and graduation date of brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, in-laws and grandparents is methodically stored and filed neatly away.  I’ve looked to see if she keeps a book but she doesn’t.  Occasionally she may transfer some data from her RAM to her hard drive but it is always readily accessible.

 

She is also a scheduling machine.  Anyone and I mean anyone who has known me more than 6 months knows never ask me about scheduling ANYTHING. First of all I am inclined to always answer yes. 

Are you guys free on the 8^th?...........Sure.

Are you guys going to be in town on Labor Day? ............. Absolutely.

Then I usually forget to mention it to Shelli.  If I do mention it I get a huge eye roll and am reminded that it is impossible for us to attend because of the baseball, soccer, rowing, reunion, church, birthday, surgery or any of the hundred other events that I had obviously forgotten about even though I was told about it a month ago.  The woman has school calendars laced into the membrane of her cerebral cortex. Every holiday fires off a color coded neuron blast in her brain. And I like it. Don't get me wrong I was first attracted to Shelli cause I like leggy blondes. Now add juggling the upcoming summer schedules while considering Girl Scout Camp, 2  Art Camps, Guitar Camp, 2 Church Service Projects, Holidays, Family Vacations,at least one family reunion, Swim Meets and a City Swim Meet and doing it 3 months ahead of time. SEXY doesn't even begin to describe it. The woman takes my breath away.

They say a good marriage relies on partners having complimenting strengths and weaknesses.  That is absolutely true with us.  I love to cook.  Shelli doesn’t.  I am an extrovert.  Shelli is significantly more reserved.  I fly by the seat of my pants and Shelli plans and insures our family's survival.  I recall insignificant details of a movie I saw once 30 years ago and Shelli recalls all the important dates of our families and loved ones.  I can recite the 50 states in alphabetical order and Shelli can keep our house running like a Swiss watch.  I…….You know, I’m pretty sure I had a point but I’ve already forgotten it.

American Hustle

Unsolicited Movie Review - American Hustle

Just finished watching "American Hustle". Something about the 70's, the Mob, con-men movies that I typically like. 

You can't help but think of Goodfellas, Donnie Brasco et al era. This movie isn't about the mafia but about a sting and the scamming and the effects of such an operation. It is darkly funny in places but not gruesome. Acting is superb. Some scenes draw on way too long and it has a tendency to bog down occasionally. Not sure if that is necessarily a problem with the story or a pretentious director. 

Anyway for the acting alone it is worth seeing. Oh, did I mention Jennifer Lawrence was in it? If I didn't then let me just say Jennifer Lawrence is in it.

12 Years a Slave

Unsolicited Movie Review - 12 Years a Slave 

I like any movie that shows me or makes me feel something new about a subject I think I've got figured out. I've seen many movies that show the tragedy of slavery but I don't think I've ever seen it portrayed so intimately as it is in 12 Years a Slave.

The physical and psychological dehumanization of a man being turned into a slave is portrayed with such a matter of factness (yes I know its not a word) about the situation that it makes the tragedy and horror of the situation that much more devastating. Some superb acting by actors you may have never seen. Tough to watch in parts just due to the subject matter. There were two British actors with better southern accents that Brad Pitt whose from Oklahoma and I may never understand how Paul Dano continues to get acting jobs that don't require him to be a waiter between acts. But that's just me.

If you like the art of cinema, or historical dramas its a must.

Dallas Buyer's Club

Unsolicited Movie Review - Dallas Buyer's Club 

For me, the determining factor separating a good movie, a really good movie and a great movie is usually how much you actually care what happens to the characters. That can be achieved via story, acting, direction or a combination of the three.

I've seen woefully acted films that I loved because the story and direction were so good, Grand Torino comes to mind. I think more commonly you have great acting overcome a weak script, 83% of all film biographies for example. There are weird situations where we cheer for what would otherwise be villians, Silence of the Lambs. We may be cheering for somebody to take a bullet but we care. The key is to care about the outcome and be vested emotionally so that at the end of two hours I've thought, or cheered or mourned or been enraged.

That being said I'm not sure if Dallas Buyers Club is a Great Movie. I am positive it is a really, really, really, good movie. I don't know a lot of transvestite prostitutes. At least I don't know that I know them. I probably only know a few more rodeo cowboys. Doesn't matter. I cared what happened to every character in the movie. Subject matter can be a little rough as can the language but it is a beautifully acted film that I doubt you'll be indifferent about at the end.

August, Osage County

Unsolicited Movie Review - August, Osage County 

I've never seen a more loathsome and bitter character on screen than Meryll Streep as Violett Weston. That includes movies about Nazis and sadistic nuns. She is as cold hearted as it gets. To say she has a poisoned tongue does not do it justice. 

This is an ensemble piece and it is stacked with not just good but great actors. Streep, Roberts, Chris Cooper, Maggie Martindale, Sam Sheppard etc. Like most ensemble pieces they each get their turn to shine but little lets you forget just how friggin hateful Streep's character is to everyone and usually at the most inopportune times. 

The movie is adapted from a stage play but the transition to the big screen never really feels completed. The director might just have well set up a camera in the theater and filmed a performance. If you like superb acting and occasionally superb overacting; if you like ensemble pieces about dysfunctional families that would make your family look normal and if you want to hear some of the most viciously, funny insults to use at your next family reunion then the movie is worth your time.

Captain Philips

Unsolicited Movie Review - Captain Philips

Tom Hanks is the most dependable movie star ever. There are a lot of actors who are consistently good but as far as consistently being in really good movies Tom Hanks really has no peer in my opinion. The one exception may be Eastwood who is in a whole different category but that is another conversation. Having the pick of scripts and directors at this stage in his career doesn't hurt but even that isn't always enough, see Nicolas Cage, Mickey Roarke, John Travolta, etc., Joe Vs. The Volcano not withstanding.

Captain Philips is based on a true story. Is everything in it real or accurate? I have no idea and don't really care for the purposes of this little diatribe. However it was very well documented in the news and there are also military action reports so I'll take it at face value. The movie is suspenseful and holds your interest the entire time. That is no easy task especially since most of the people watching already know how it ends. Apollo 13 had the same quality. There is a little Stockholm Syndrome sympathy but it is subtle and not campy at all. The movie doesn't delve to much into the why but mainly focuses on the how this whole thing went down. What is amazing is that it ended as well as it did.

The movie also serves as an excellent reminder of just how extraordinarily baddass the Navy SEALS are as they do their job.

Well worth a viewing. Not necessary to see on the big screen. FWIW